sweet somethings from the heart .01 - The hunter, the guardian and the boy

a poetry series of truths and nothing else.

Hey everyone! My newsletter was a bit delayed this week. Apple has taken my laptop hostage. So what was just a stuck space bar has now become a long drawn out surgery on my computer. Hoping to get it back soon as there are so many things I’d love to write and share with you! In the meantime, I wrote this funny story on my iPhone about a poem I made.

The inception of a poem I believe can be just as interesting and valuable as the body of work itself. Before sharing this piece, I felt compelled to share the moment that led to its inception.

Mid afternoon it was raining in la. Which never happens, so rain in this context is as unprepared for and unwanted as you can imagine. Picking up dry cleaning in West Hollywood, I pull out my credit card to pay for my two coats and a cashmere dress. I look over to follow the sound of the door swinging open as a man walks in. This man  didn’t say or do anything, he didn’t dress or appear to follow any stereotype of danger that my mind has unconsciously stored for self preservation purposes, but his presence sent a tremble through my entire body. I could barely get the credit card into the card reader and I could see the store teller was confused by my sudden clumsiness. The teller handed me my clothing and I was relived to find I could quickly get out of this place, running from a presence that suffocated the room. Charging towards the door I suddenly remember that 1. I do not have a car and 2. it’s raining. My escape plan has been derailed and I find myself held captive. My gaze stays low in an effort to not gain attention, as beauty in this moment does not serve me. I grab my phone to call an uber and see that it’s given me an eta of “7 min”. 7 minutes right now to me feels like an eternity!

I wonder to myself if my fear is some unwarranted delirium of a man that simply came in to pick up his laundry but as he walks up to the desk he informs the teller that he does not have his dry cleaning ticket, to which the teller replies, “don’t worry I remember you, I will get you your clothes.” I knew it! In that moment I knew for sure that this man is indeed rememberable in the worst way. He pays for his clothes and begins to walk out and with my head glued to the floor I feel him look my way as he passed. I couldn’t help but look up, rather briefly as curiosity overpowered my terror for a moment. He gave me a slight smirk, subtle enough for me to know that he knew what I knew.

That I was absolutely terrified of him.

It’s not like I had much evidence of his character to go off of, he had a look of a former military man but the kind that may have went rouge at some point. I’m not exactly sure the impetus of this feeling but my body knew this man had done something bad before, probably a couple of times and he knew I could feel that. Looking into his eyes I didn’t see human, I saw something much more animal like.

My uber finally appeared and my heart began to slow down and the first thought that came to mind said “hunter”. That man was a hunter the most extreme kind but a hunter none the less. I felt like prey, but glad that in that moment I was not on the menu. This spiraled into thoughts of the instinctual categories that we place on those we meet. As women we are endowed with a unique level of sensitivity as a form of our innate protection system. Some of us — obviously me included, just have a more sensitive radar than others. Like the fire alarm that goes off for everything.

I’ve seen myself battle and attempt to refine this radar and the ways in which I’ve denied or honored the body’s response to who and what is around. I think of the times I’ve felt relaxed because I knew I was protected or the times I’ve leaned into my nurturing self because I was around someone who needed extra care.

Something in them, reveals something in me. Irrevocably, we are connected.

However we find ourselves in this dance of call and response to one another, this silly little moment scared the shit out of me but gave me the gift of this short poem and new level of awareness.

Hope you enjoy!

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